I am not a brave person

I had my farewell dinner with my Flight before my imminent move.  One of my Sr NCO’s who has known me for years set up the dinner and coordinated gifts.   Many of my flight members—military and civilian—attended, to include the housekeeper assigned to our flight.  It was touching to see young airman, new lieutenants and civilians with significant length of service all represented.  My newest flight chief spoke kindly of me, even after knowing me only for the last 3 months; my prior flight chief came from another position on the installation to be part of the dinner and also talked generously about my leadership and capacity to care for people and mentor them.  One of my civilian supervisors told me that I was now the 2^nd of 2 dietitian-officers on his “Mt Rushmore of Dietitians”, a funny image I can’t get out of my head.  Since the 1^st dietitian he listed was a preceptor during my dietetic internship and a role model for me as a young officer and mom, that was high praise.  But the statement that made the biggest impact came from one of my civilian supervisors, a retired NCO who has now worked at the hospital for 30 years. He has seen people come and go—he told me that since he started tracking in 2004, he has listed more than 100 people who have left the flight.  This supervisor told me that he doesn’t come to most farewells but that he wanted to come to mine.  He said that I made good decisions, well considered decisions big and small, and stood by them even when other people would cave—and he had seen past leaders cave.  He thanked me specifically for being brave.  

I do not consider myself a brave person.  

As a child, I recall crying out of anxiety and fear at maybe age 8 when forced to go play softball—something my mother insisted on, out of some misbegotten sense that being athletic was something that could be forced and that I would benefit from later.  When the wind was particularly strong and loud, I needed my mom to walk me the 20 feet from the doorway to the bus.  Simple childhood movies—ET, The Dark Crystal, Gremlins—inspired nightmares as vivid as visions, where the skeksis came out of my closet to steal my essence and mad, tiny monsters cavorted on the end of my bed.  I recall crying out of anxiety and being overwhelmed by the unfamiliar, at maybe age 12, when told I needed to find my way through the mysterious and unfamiliar high school to go get some assembly-line school physical.  Social anxiety plagued me through most of my childhood until maybe high school where I found my niche of friends and interests.  I hate loud noises, unpredictable physical events that leave me confused as to next reactions; I’m easily overwhelmed by chaotic events or unfamiliar situations.  I intensely dislike not knowing what is expected of me, of not knowing how to perform in a given situation or moment of crisis; I can be paralyzed into inaction or panic, to an irrational emotional response.   

Even today I have significant anxiety, I am filled with self-doubt and second guesses.  My inner monologue is one of intense critique, peppered with reflexive suicidal thoughts—the way that a pirate swears, my brain spouts Tourette’s-like “better off dead” commentary, driven by perpetual fear that I’ve behaved foolishly or ridiculously or selfishly or obliviously or in a way that will earn my judgement or reproving looks.  Maybe that’s not cowardice per se, but my mind and heart are not those of a lion-hearted leader.  In my own mind and heart, I am barely confident—let alone brave.  But I look back on my life and see what I have done.  Not what I have felt, but the actions I have taken.  

I got married young because I believed that was the right thing to do; I chose to give birth to my daughter even in the face of strong familial disapproval and disappointment, when probably getting a secret abortion would have avoided a lot of public shame and pain.  

I chose—I choose—to stay married even through difficult times, times of pain and betrayal, times where I felt so mismatched and unsupported, times of exhaustion both emotional and physical.  Even now, I wonder if being married for 22 years is a result of my bravery or my cowardice.  

I joined the Air Force and left home with my young family.  I left everything known and familiar. I – who had lived in the same house for the previous 12 years—left my home town to live thousands of miles away, to put on a uniform every day, to participate in the profession of medicine and care for other people on balance with trying to meet my commitments as wife and mother.  I did this with few role models in my immediate life.   

I’ve stayed in the Air Force through 7 assignments, including a challenging graduate degree and 2 deployments.  Me, with my fear of the unfamiliar, spent months in both Iraq and Afghanistan being mortared and knowing that outside of the fence line were people who truly wanted me dead.  Me, with my fear of loud noises, have qualified several times to fire a weapon (no marksman am I, but considering I hate even starting a lawnmower, this is a big deal). 

If you had told me when I was 6 or 8 or 12 or even 18 that this would be my life, I would not have believed you.

I am not a brave person.

But I have quote from CS Lewis which has been the tagline on my personal email for many years now, a quote which sums up what makes me brave even though I am not a brave person:

Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.

                                                                                              ~ C.S. Lewis

Courage is a virtue.  In fact, Lewis says it is the application of any and all virtues when the temptation and the pressure to be unvirtuous is at its strongest.  Integrity is often described as “doing the right thing even when no one is looking.”   Courage then is then maybe “doing the right thing even when you are afraid.”  It is loving a family and being faithful to a marriage even at personal cost and emotional exhaustion, when the future is uncertain and self-preservation must take a backseat.  It is taking the time to make well-considered decisions that may not be popular, may earn disapproval, but are indeed moral and best for all involved.  It is saying yes to difficult but necessary tasks.  It is refraining from the easy sins of defamation and gossip, of the theft of time and unnoticed resources, of the murder of contempt.  It is instead choosing the bravery of respect for others in every situation; it is striving for good stewardship in every area; it is giving time and energy for both small and large things, of working to be consistent and fair when capricious indecisiveness is easier and less demanding.  It is finding a way to say “yes” when “no” is much easier and more straight forward, when “yes” means the best outcome even though it is much more demanding, time-consuming, and even less personally gratifying.  It is speaking the truth with compassion and respect even when a lie would be easier, or cruel bluntness would be faster and more convenient. 

Philippians 3: 11b – 13 talks about contentment, which maybe is a type of enduring bravery, a subjecting of self to the needs of others.  “…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.   I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”    Verse 19, Paul says “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”  

If I have courage, if I have wisdom, if I have endurance, if I have compassion for others—it all comes from Jesus Christ.  When I have experienced fear and anxiety—a lack of courage, a paucity of confidence—it is Christ who gives me what I need.  When I have experienced self-doubt—it is Christ who gives me my identity in him.  When I have concerns that I am being poured out and consumed by the demands of others on me—it is Christ who fills and sustains me.

Truly, the only worthy reason for fear is a fear of God. When Adam and Eve sinned, they feared God’s presence in the Garden and sought to hide their nakedness.  Every time an angel appears, bringing God’s word or in some instances the presence of God Himself, the first statement is “Fear not!”  When the angels sang praises to God and announced the birth of Christ to the shepherds, they sang “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”  The coming of the Messiah brought peace between humanity and God.  Jesus tells his disciples in Matthew 10: 28 - 31 “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.  Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.  Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the very hairs of your head are numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”  Paul says in Ephesians 2: 13, 14 that “…now in Christ Jesus you who were once far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.  For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility….”.   It is in and through Christ that we are reconciled to God.  There is no room for temporal fear when we are now called God’s children, forgiven and saved for all eternity.  “If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? (Romans 8: 31, 32)

Psalm 91: 9 says “If you make the Most High your dwelling—even the Lord, who is my refuge—then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.”  1 Peter 1: 3 – 9 describes how we simultaneously have an assurance of salvation, an inheritance kept safely in heaven for us; and we suffer trials and difficulties on earth as our faith is strengthened.  We are sheltered and preserved in faith by God, specifically by the Holy Spirit through Word and Sacrament.  Jesus himself told his disciples in his last meeting with them “All this I have spoken while still with you.  But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  (John 14: 25 – 27).  Later in John 16: 33 Jesus says “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.”  Our status as redeemed children of God is confirmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit, who confirms the truth of Jesus Words which come to us through Scripture.  Through this, all earthly fears are chased away.  

I am not a brave person.  But I am a child of God.  

In my baptism, he has called me by my name and made me his own.  Christ is present with me in his Word and through the sacrament of his final supper; he strengthens my faith.  My eternal salvation is simultaneously safeguarded in heaven and lived out by faith and by strength of the Spirit on earth. It is in this faith that I live with courage, with the ability to do the right things even in the face of fear and opposition.  Any courage that I have is not from me—I am full of fear, anxiety, self-doubt, physical weakness and deepest temptation to sin and evil.  All goodness, all courage, comes from God and is a gift which he gives not by my merit but because of Christ Jesus. This is why I am brave.

Heavenly Father, you have called me your child and adopted me into your kingdom because of the finished work of salvation accomplished through Christ Jesus your son.  You have promised me your Holy Spirit to guide and strengthen me in all things to give you glory and to serve you.  I praise you for the fact of my salvation, and for the faith which you promise to preserve unto the end.  Bless me and strengthen me.  Give me courage in the face of all adversity—moral courage and physical courage.  Make me both wise to know what is right, and brave to do what is right.  I ask this in the blessed and precious name of Jesus Christ my savior and Lord.  AMEN