Emotions are not sin

Several months ago my therapist and I were discussing my emotional responses to various events, primarily negative emotions and how difficult it was for me to identify, articulate and manage those emotions.  I told him that I believed that what was lacking was for someone to have taken me by the hand as a very young child and said “I know you are having very strong feelings…let me walk with you and help you understand and manage those feelings…let me show you how it is done”.  But no one did.  My learned response was therefore to stuff all of those negative, difficult, strong feelings into some internal box labeled “BAD” and refuse to (be unable to) deal with them.  Until, of course, that box sprung a leak or was overfilled and everything came tumbling out, like Pandora’s demons.

I thought at the time that maybe I was being too harsh in this judgement.  

But this past week, a friend posted on Facebook an article written apparently by some mom-blogger/personality.  This post started with this:

 “Perhaps the reason teens isolate themselves when they’re overwhelmed instead of coming to us with their problems, is because when they’re toddlers we isolate them when they’re overwhelmed instead of helping them with their problems. When our kids are small and trying to manage emotions - they can't express what they are feeling. They throw tantrums, they throw things, they have meltdowns, they scream and they whine. This is their way of communicating with us. They need help to organize, process and express their feelings in a healthy way. And society tells us we should punish them for this. Send them to their room, put them in timeout, spank them.” 

The blogger went on to talk about how parents should instead help children understand and manage their negative emotions when they are young, so that they have that skill and an increased trust in their parents as they get older.

My mom’s response to this mutual friends shared post was this:  “They also need to know they are sinners.  Sometimes punishment is the correct way to address a situation.  They also need to be assured that in Christ they are forgiven.”  

When I saw this, my heart sank and I wanted to cry.  My conversation with my therapist came back to me in a rush, as I realized that my perceptions were correct at least based upon this posted response: my mom believes that emotions are sinful and should be punished.  She also believes that there is forgiveness, which is wonderful and true, but she believes that strong emotions are wrong and should be repented of.  The corollary thought of course is that I must also have passed on this perception unconsciously to my own children through my own parenting.  Because mom-guilt never ends.

Overwhelmed. Frustrated.  Disappointed.  Sad.  Angry.  Impatient.  Anxious.  Hurt.  Exhausted.  Overstimulated.  Hungry.  Hurt.  Upset.  

None of these are sinful in themselves (OK, maybe “impatient” is….but feeling rushed and disappointed are not in themselves sinful…).

But for a toddler—or an emotionally immature person in general—any or all of these feelings could result in an irrational tantrum, a breakdown that is as inexplicable to the person experiencing it as it is for those who stand helplessly on the sidelines and observe.

There’s a Scottish myth I had read about a man, Tam Lin, who was kidnapped from his lover by the Fairies and kept for many years.  When Tam Lin was found by his lover, the Fairy Queen told them that Tam Lin would be released only if he would be held fast no matter what happened.  As his beloved held him firmly in her grasp, Tam Lin was changed from one beast to another but he was never released; the Fairy Queen finally admitted defeat and released him. 

I have thought to myself that I want to be held like Tam Lin:  held fast no matter what happens, no matter what raging beastly form I may transform into, until the transformations stop.  Until the raging torrent of unmanageable, un-understood emotions is spent.  But this was too much for my husband, and ultimately too much to ask—a fairy tale, not an expectation for a real, flesh and blood man who was only confused and overwhelmed.  

But what I really needed was for someone much earlier to say to me “I know you are feeling this big, powerful feeling—anger, frustration, disappointment, hunger, exhaustion—but it is something you can control, you must learn to manage.  You cannot rage, you cannot lash out.  Here is how you can understand what you are feeling; here is how you can put it into words; here is how you can ask for help; here is how you can calm yourself; here is how you can remedy the situation, because the feeling is only telling you that something must be done—and a tantrum is not it.”

Now, 40+ years later, I am starting to understand what must be done; but I am still sad that I was not given these skills as a child, and that I did not know how to give them to my own children.

When starting this post, I googled “bible verses on emotion” and was surprised/not surprised by how many post titles related to controlling your emotions.  The implication being that emotions are like monsters that must be put into boxes.  But emotions are not sinful in themselves!  Jesus became angry; Jesus wept; Jesus was exhausted and hungry.  The important distinction is that Jesus did not sin; His emotions never led Him to rage and storm and lash out and hurt other people. 

Only one post seemed useful, titled “Your emotions are a gauge,not a guide.”  The whole article is worth reading, the author, a John Bloom, is succinct and made several excellent points, all within what felt like an appropriately Godly, Christian perspective.  His main points are these:

- Your emotions are gauges, not guides:  they are meant to inform you, not direct your actions. 

- Your emotions reveal what you prioritize, where your focus is

- Emotions are deeply wired to our natures—which are sinful and fallen (although redeemed in Christ); therefore, the devil uses our emotions against us

- When emotions become perceived imperatives to sin, we must resist that temptation by turning to God’s Word, to other believers and to confession and prayer for strength and growth.

So….

If I am hungry or tired or in pain….I need a snack or a nap or some Tylenol (or all of the above)….or, if none of those are available, I may need to practice patience, perseverance and self-control.  Being hungry, tired or in pain are not sins…they are a natural response to circumstances in my life…but becoming angry, impatient, irrational or even violent, those are sins.  If I allow my god to be my belly…if I allow those natural responses to completely govern me, to override the love that I owe my neighbor…then I sin.

If I am frustrated and overwhelmed…I need to take a moment, breathe deeply, be very mindful of what is causing the frustration or what is overwhelming me.  I need to pray for wisdom, guidance, insight and grace.  I need to prioritize, triage and consider what I can control and how I may need help or guidance from other people.  Being frustrated and overwhelmed is not a sin, but simply a result of being only human, of only being capable of doing so much at a time and of having finite strength, finite concentration, finite wisdom.  Relying on myself without seeking guidance and wisdom from God, that is a sin.  It is probably also a sin to fail to seek guidance and help from other people.  It is certainly a sin to rage and snap and demand irrationally.  

If I am angry…it is not an excuse to sin!  I need to consider what I am angry about—and if my anger is directed at someone because of a personal offense, a slight against me or my wounded pride, then my anger reveals to me that I have made myself an idol, and that is a sin.  But if my anger is a response to an injustice or the victimization of someone else, if it reveals a wrong that should be made right, someone else who needs to be protected or cared for, then my anger is an important gauge and it may give me valuable insight into right future actions—but never actions of unjust rage, irrational outburst, selfish violence.  

If I am anxious…it is also time to reflect, breathe deeply and be mindful….consider the source of my anxiety.  If I am anxious because I am doubting God’s faithfulness, His providence, His omnipotence and His enduring love and kindness, then that is sin.  My anxiety may simply be a result of un-articulated, un-explored feelings.  This is the time to prayerfully remind myself of who I am in Christ, and how God has promised to meet all of my needs and to bring me safely to Himself in eternity.  This is the time to explore and name those feelings, so that they can be intentionally countered in faith.  

If I am sad, if I am upset, if I am disappointed….this also calls for reflection, mindfulness, examination of those feelings. They are not sin: this world is a broken place, it is reasonable to be sad and to grieve in response to the brokenness, death and sin which surround us.  It is not sin to have expectations of people—of faithfulness, of kept promises, of basic civility from all and of love and acceptance from those to whom we are close.  But people sin, and people fail, both intentionally and unintentionally; I can grieve this as a loss.  But if I am upset or disappointed because my selfish needs were not met, if my response is one of wounded indignation and pride, if I harden my heart and withhold forgiveness, then I sin.  

There are two famous and significant passages which speak to me in this context. 

“So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature.  They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.  But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.  The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.  I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  Against such things there is no law.  Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying one another.”  ~ Galatians 5: 16 – 26

I am to keep in step with God’s Spirit—a Spirit which demonstrates in me love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  None of these things are emotions (not purely, only in part if at all—joy and peace may feel like emotions, but are largely a product of faith in and a response to external realities) – all of them are instead appropriate and Godly responses to my emotions.  Am I feeling angry and am tempted to sin, to fits of rage and to dissention?  My response in the Spirit will instead be one of gentleness and self-control.  Am I feeling anxious, doubting the love and providence of God?  My response in the Spirit will be peace and joy.  Am I feeling lust and covetousness, dissatisfaction and discontent with what I have, tempted to drunkenness and envy?  My response in the Spirit will be faithfulness, goodness and self-control. 

These verses remind me that my sinful nature is crucified with Christ—I died in my baptism, and I am raised to new life and righteousness in Christ.  But simultaneously, I still live in my sinful nature and in a body that is dying; I must daily crucify again the passions and desires that come from that sinful nature, and cling to the Spirit of God in Christ.

The other verses that I am directed to are from 1 Corinthians, the famous chapter on love.  But love not as a feeling that we are tossed by, but instead as actions that we are able by God’s grace to choose.

“And now I will show you the most excellent way….Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”  ~ 1Corinthians 12: 30b and 13: 4-8a.   

When I am angry over injustices, my response is one of protecting and not of rudeness or pride.  When I am disappointed, sad or frustrated, my response is not one of being easily angered but of keeping no record of wrongs and of hope, patience and kindness.  When I am hungry, tired, exhausted, my response is of perseverance and patience.  These responses are chosen by God’s Spirit, and in spiritual maturity and faith.  I must master my emotions, understanding them to be gauges of where my heart is and never in themselves as guides to my behavior; only the Spirit of God speaking to me by the Word of God in faith is my guide.  

I am now an adult, not a toddler, but it is not too late to be taken by the hand and shown how to deal with strong, negative emotions.  I can take my own emotions in hand and submit them to God, as I grow in faith and also in self-awareness and self-control.  I do not have to deny emotions as part of my human nature, only deny, oppose and fight against the sinfulness which is part of that nature.  

Heavenly Father, You created me as a human being and I have emotions because You gave them to me; emotions come from You as part of Your good creation, and as signals to allow me to successfully, compassionately, fully interact with other people and with Your good world.  But I also know that my emotions are now part of this fallen world.  I confess to you that my emotions are too often a response of my sinful nature, selfish and pride-filled reactions to being thwarted; they reveal my idolatry of self, of comfort and of having my own way.  Give me a clear mind to see what motivates my emotions and to identify when I am feeling something that comes from my sinful nature; but also to see clearly when my emotions reveal what I should do to help others, to respond to injustice, to protect the weak, to communicate clearly.  Help me to honor the needs of my body for rest and food, without making comfort my idol.  Bless me with Your Spirit, one of wisdom and of increasing faith.  Remind me ever of my baptism into Your righteousness and into eternal life.  Give me that perspective into life on earth, and empower me to manage strong negative emotions to serve You, give You honor and be a blessing to others.  In Jesus’ name, AMEN.