My failures are Legion: a charge against God's elect

This was a long week with some challenges, some I was able to foresee and others unforeseen.  Because I knew it would be a long and challenging week (I am on-call this weekend, coming in for any consults, a reality which exhausts me just thinking about it), I have been praying not just for a manageable weekend but also and more importantly, for the strength and endurance to manage gracefully.  I want to remember this week as an example of how and why I rely on God for strength in all things, because it is only by His grace that I reached the end with peace or joy, with any happiness left for my personal life; I think in the past, I would have finished the week much more anxious, edgy and exhausted.  My prayer is not that my life be easy (although yes, I do pray for that too), but that I be continually strengthened by God and His good gifts and Spirit for any challenges.

Beyond this important lesson in endurance and spiritual sustainment, I experienced what felt almost like a supernatural insight into my inner mental and spiritual battles.  I don’t know the reference, but have read that Martin Luther believed that those suffering from depression or other mental disorders were persecuted by Satan and his demons.  This being a very different perspective than the Roman Catholic church, which taught that those who commit suicide have given in to hopelessness and are therefore damned; instead, Luther taught that those who commit suicide may well have been tormented down that path by the devil.  The modern phrase “lost his/her battle with depression” captures Luther’s sentiment, albeit I’m sure unintentionally.  Satan torments and tempts us in every way and at every turn:  physically, spiritually, emotionally, relationally.  And his ways are subtle; this is not the obvious proddings of a red-tailed cartoon, easily observed and shaken off.  

This Tuesday as I left work, pushing through the security turnstile out toward the parking lot, turning left toward staff parking to find my car through the drizzling rain, my mind was running vaguely over the things done and left undone.  And a thought came unbidden to my mind:  “My failures are legion.”  This phrase captured the emotional weight both of the day’s obligations, and my mindset and personal mental health challenges.  This thought occurred as I was making that left turn, with a part of my mind looking right and behind me to survey all of my failures, all of the mistakes and omissions and to-do-listed items left unchecked.  The rain glistened on the oily parking lot, puddles were accumulating on the gray sidewalk already littered with worms.  “The sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgement ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them” (1 Tim 5: 24).  Like the slime trail left by a slug or a snail, my sins and failures seemed to trail behind me on that rain washed sidewalk.  And they, in that moment, did not simply feel like “many” or “a lot” or “several.”  My failures felt like legion: like demons riding my conscience, convicting me of my inadequacies and the ways and times I had disappointed others.  

In Mark 5: 1-20, we read the story of the demon possessed man who haunted the lake shores in the region of the Gerasenes/Gadarenes.  When confronted by God in Flesh, Jesus the Christ, the evil spirit named itself as “…Legion…for we are many.”  (Mark 5: 9)  Demonstrating His power over all things both natural and spiritual, Jesus cast the legion of demons into a herd of pigs, releasing the formerly possessed man to stand clothed and in his right mind.  

My failures are legion.

My failures stood before me and behind me, convicting me of my sinfulness and my inadequacies.  But fast on the heels of this overwhelming thought came the words of Romans 8, with a recognition that I was allowing a charge to be made against one “whom God has chosen.”  Romans 8: 31 – 34 says “What, then, shall we say in response to this?  If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen?  It is God who justifies.  Who is he that condemns?  Christ Jesus, Who died—more than that, was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.”

Whether the convicting voices of others outside of myself, the convicting voices of my own conscience or sense of obligation, or the convicting voices of Satan and his legions, the reality I have in Christ is that there can be no more charges against me.  “It is God Who justifies.”  In Christ Jesus, my sins are paid for by His death and I have the righteousness and promise of eternity with God won by Christ’s resurrection, His defeat of sin, death and the devil.  With that knowledge, I can confidently say as in Romans 8: 35ff “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written, ‘For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”

All of my sins and failures are ultimately against God, my holy Lord and Creator; therefore, only He has the ultimate authority to forgive all sins.  And He has done so in Christ Jesus:  “It is God Who justifies.” 1 Corinthians 6: 11 follows a list of sins and says “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”  The sins that both go ahead and trail behind me (1 Tim 5: 24) are washed away by the sanctifying, justifying blood of Christ.  Revelation 14: 13 has an angelic exchange documented by Paul “Then I heard a voice from heaven say “Write: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” “Yes,” says the Spirit, “they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them.”  These deeds are not my deeds, not my righteous works; rather, it is the righteousness of Christ and the fruits of righteousness by His Spirit which follow us.  Christ’s righteousness is credited to me; and there is no condemnation for me in Christ.

This week I also read an article describing the deep and abiding human need for justification.  The author stated that the desire to be justified is simply part of the human condition, and that modern mankind is focused on “horizontal justification”, justification before other people, rather than “vertical justification” before God.  The premise of the discussion was that technology, specifically Facebook, is a platform by which human beings seek that horizontal justification—the favor and approval of other people.  He reminded his readers (primarily an audience of pastors) that we must constantly redirect ourselves and others to the right relationship with God, the need for vertical justification through the gospel of Christ’s saving work; and encourage people to be released from the unnecessary burden of horizontal justification, specifically the burden created and enhanced by social media.  It was a fascinating and well written article, and seemed particularly poignant in light of my legion of perceived failures.  My need for horizontal justification plagues me as it plagues so many others, but the only true, lasting and relevant source of justification is that which I have before God in Christ.  

I know that I will perpetually struggle with these feelings of failure and inadequacy, the reality of my sinfulness is always before me (Psalm 51: 3).  I will also have these feelings compounded and exacerbated by depression and anxiety, the messenger of Satan which torments me and convicts me that my failures are legion.  But I cling to the promises in God’s Word, the promise of forgiveness and righteousness in Christ, and that He will work all things together for my good (Rom 8: 28) as I live and serve His kingdom and His people here on earth.  

Another possibly irreverent image comes to my mind in this context, that of a final scene in the movie Labyrinth, in which the protagonist Sarah defeats the Goblin King Jareth with the prayer-like recitation which ends “….You have no power over me!”  Through Christ and His power in me, I can say those same words to the evil which seeks to enslave me “You have no power over me!”  Which is really just another way of saying “Who l bring any charge against those whom God has chosen?  It is God who justifies.”  The lies of Satan which seek to convict me have no power over me.

Lord God, heavenly King, almighty God and Father:  You have declared me righteous and holy because of the sacrificial death and rising in righteousness of Your Son Jesus Christ.  You are the One who justifies, and there is no condemnation left for me as Your baptized and redeemed child.  You know my sins, the sins which are ever before me and the sins which trail after me; You know the guilt and anxiety which I feel, the burdens both real and imposed.  Forgive me my sins for Jesus sake and release me from every burden of guilt.  Strengthen my faith and confidence in Your love and mercy.  Bless me to battle the demons of depression and the demons of desired horizontal justification; bring me back to You in confidence and faith in Christ.  You are the One who justifies, in the Name and for the sake of Jesus Christ Your Son.  AMEN.